The things I say

Words are flying out my mouth without regard for consequences, without forethought or even care.  I find myself saying things I have never said before, will never say again, and cannot fathom why I am saying them now.

My mother would say, "Ya ain't got no couth."  That's me - totally couthless.

My husband bears the brunt of my tirades.  I question his parking ability.  I accuse him of being unfeeling and uncaring in expressing his feelings.  I roll my eyes and sigh loudly and then feign innocence - "No, I'm not mad at you, I was just breathing, whatever..."

At Meijers yesterday, I had what I can only classify as a minor breakdown.  It started with the three parking spaces we completely drove by without parking, then finding a spot that was miles away from the store (no, it wasn't.  In fact it was closer than any of the original spaces.  Nothing irrational about me right now).  And it was cold.  And my god the throngs of people were just awful - like vultures circling a deer carcass on I-94, for heaven's sakes!  And the Christmas tree I wanted was all sold out; and no lights I liked; and really, those are the only ornaments you have?!  So what if it's only 12 days until Christmas, you should have what I need!  Get out of my way you people!!

My head was...where?  I actually circled two aisles, trying to find...what?  I can't remember.  It's like my head was detached, my brain was on vacation in sunny Aruba, and my body was left behind to be present for the sake of politeness.  WTF.  I couldn't wait to get out of the store, hopefully intact and relatively sane.

Those around me are starting to doubt my sanity; I, however, have doubted it for years.  But this is new, and disturbing, and scary.  I am ANGRY, but I'm not.  Really, I'm not.  I honestly mean it when I smile and say I'm feeling good and positive; I'm genuine when I say I'm going to get through this and it'll all be okay.  I'm sincere when I say this will not kill me.  I know everything will be good, that I am lucky, that I am blessed to be where I am right now.

And yet that anger is still there.  Yes, I know it's normal and natural and part of the grieving process.  I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be "grieving".

Mostly, I think I'm feeling way out of control.  I have no illusion of control; it's part of what my belief system is based upon.  I cannot control that I have cancer, I can only deal with it.  I cannot control the outcome, I can only do my best to treat this as aggressively as possible. I know this, instinctively and honestly and to the core of my being.

But dammit, I'm still angry and saying things I shouldn't, and feeling unhinged and clueless and raw and even out of control.  So I apologize in advance if I become uncouth in your presence.  

Stupid cancer.