Still alive and kicking!

My mother called me this morning, very concerned.  She had my latest blog posting from several days ago, in which I described how toxic my relationship with Taxol had become (pun intended).  She hadn't read anything since then, and had called me a few times but I had yet to return her call.

She was, as any mother would likely be, very worried. 

When I write about my experience, it's not with the intention of being alarming or causing worry.  Writing helps me process all that's going on right now; it gets it out of my head and gives me a safe place to keep it.  Writing also makes this all so very real - something I still struggle with from time to time.  It allows me to "see" it, dissect it, explore it, and even experience it from a different perspective.  Writing is more than cathartic; it has become necessary for me to get through this. 

So I apologize if what I write is concerning or upsetting - that's never my intention.  I appreciate being able to be honest, to share, and to have you with me during this incredibly interesting journey. 

An update with a funny twist:

My Sunday was horrible, my Monday was bearable, my Tuesday was better.  Wednesday I went to work at usual, but by the end of the afternoon I could feel the utter exhaustion about to hit so I left a little early.  On the drive home I started to feel chilled (it was in the 80's that day), which worried me.  I got home and checked my temperature, which was 99.5.  Still not the magic number (100.5) at which point I need to call the doctor, but high for me (my normal temp is 97.7).  Checked it again a few more times then went to bed.

Thursday I woke feeling achy but still a little better than the previous day.  Temp was still at 99.5 but I had lunch with a friend and checked out wholly-unaffordable but mouth-watering deck furniture at Lowe's.  Still feeling achy and a little chilly I check my thermometer - 100.1.  I call my nurse and leave her a message that my temp is climbing.  I get home and check my temp again - 100.6.  I've finally surpassed that magic number!  Laurie returns my call and asks me to come in for some tests - between the pains, chills and fever, they're worried about a systemic infection.  I check my temp once more as I leave - 100.8. 

I arrive at the office to be poked and prodded.  Right off the bat they take my temperature - 98.6.  "Impossible!!" I cry.  "It was 100.8 just fifteen minutes ago!"  As I wait in an exam room for the doctor I pull out my thermometer and check my temp - 100.6.  I pull out the second thermometer I have and use it, too - 100.6.  When Laurie stops in to tell me my blood work looks great, I show her the thermometers.  She looks at them, then looks at me, then asks, "How much did you pay for these?" 

"Like, $3 I think."

"Throw them away," she says.  "Now's not the time to scrimp; go buy yourself an expensive thermometer."

My blood work revealed that my white blood cell count is much higher than normal (for me, that is); my bone marrow is expanding as my WBCs are growing, which is causing some of the bone pain and flu-like symptoms now.  It also explains a fever (if I really have one) - but it's not a problem.  Just another one of those "happy accidents" that comes along with Taxol.

The weekend has been wonderful - minimal pain but still some fatigue.  Ken and I finally celebrated his birthday yesterday at the DIA - he received his very own one-year membership so he can visit any time he likes, gets a free ticket to any special exhibits, and a mad discount at the cafe and gift shop!  I lasted about two hours before needing to leave - just got too tired.  Today I spent an hour or so in the garden, drinking in the sunshine and feeling alive and human again.  Peanut and I made cupcakes for Grandpa's birthday celebration, and we had a chance to meet S's new boyfriend.  Ken made lobster mac-and-cheese for dinner, and now we're (im)patiently awaiting the Season 5 premier of "Mad Men." 

I waited for that magic Day 9 to arrive, to start feeling normal again.  I am learning (as I do every time I have a treatment) that I can hope, but never predict, which days will be good and which days will be less-than-good.  The cumulative effects are becoming evident and I am coming to terms with that.  I'm getting used to being tired, to being able to do less than I used to, but I realize that's temporary and won't last forever.  I can get through this - I will get through this - because I have the courage to do so.  And I have the courage to do so because I have the support of so many wonderful and loving people.