Shut up, Neitzsche

Every day I get a BrainyQuote delivered to my phone at 8:00 am.  It's a nice way to start my day, with words of inspiration from Ghandi, Dr. Seuss, or Chelsea Handler.  At the appointed time my phone *dinged* and there appeared the quote for Saturday:

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

Seriously?  Shut it.

What doesn't kill us changes us.  We can't endure a life-threatening event without being forever changed.  Maybe we become stronger; maybe not.  Maybe it means a different appreciation for life, or love, or ourselves. Maybe we are just Changed, different, not the same.  It might take us a while to figure out what all of that means.  But not being strong does not make us weak.

Right now I don't want to be strong, I can't be strong, I'm simply not.

The first time we rode this roller coaster I was reasonably optimistic, felt strong and confident, was determined to "beat this" and go about my life.  This time, though, I'm still reeling from being blindsided by this new (??) diagnosis.  Four years.  Only four years.  And a new cancer - really, in the same place area as my previous cancer?  But without all the necessary information in front of me right now, it's easy for my mind to wander and wonder.  Is this a "new" diagnosis, or a recurrence of the previous cancer?  I don't yet have a stage - don't know the true size, don't know about lymph node involvement, don't know if it's set up shop anywhere else in my body.  I learned Wednesday that there was not enough tissue recovered during the biopsy to complete the testing for the third (and in some ways, most important) hormone receptor, the Her2neu.  So no treatment plan in place, and now surgery in a week to biopsy more tissue that will also include an attempt to map and biopsy my lymph nodes.  I may also have a port placed for chemo, but only once the size of the cancer is determined.  Unless the decision is mastectomy first, but only no port if the recommendation is a double mastectomy.

All of this information, that I don't have, it matters.  So frickin' stuck in "what if's" and "maybe's" instead of planning and moving forward.  The lack of control and knowledge is maddening and frustrating and exhausting.

I'm tired - really tired, and sad, and angry.  Anger like I've never felt before.  A sense of surrealism to everything I do right now:  folding laundry, driving, watching TV, chopping fruit.  All the energy has drained from my being, my soul, and disappeared.  I find myself forcing movement forward, feeling almost disconnected from my being.
And then...

Then there are moments of grace and beauty, where my heart feels like it is exploding with love and joy and happiness.  It's a feeling so profound that I think, I believe, it's the very essence of Life and Peace.  Ice skating with the grandkids I watch Luke, brave and determined, falling but getting right back up and trying again.  He pushes the skating "walker" forward a few feet then skates towards it, pushes it again, skates to catch it again.  Over and over, laughing with delight because he conquered something that an hour ago had him wobbly and clinging to the walker with a death grip of fear.  Nevaeh is skating on one foot, turning around, skating backwards, tripping and falling but up in an instant with a quick "oops!" and another attempt.  Their eyes shine with excitement and wonder and adventure, and for this one moment it's magical.  And every little thing falls away because all that ever matters is this.

I don't have energy to be strong right now, but moments like these make me want to at least try.