Chemopause

My new friend Mildred visits me often - sometimes I meet up with her at Meijers or Target, or when I'm trying to get some work done outside, but most frequently she bothers me in the middle of the night.  I don't particularly like Mildred - she's nice and all, and doing her job by visiting me, but I am really looking forward to ending this friendship.

Mildred is what I've fondly named my hot flashes specifically, and my chemopause in general.

Chemo has put me into early, forced menopause, and when I officially stop chemo (May 24 is my final treatment) Mildred's visits won't end.  No, no they won't, because after chemo I am slated for five years of Tamoxifen, a drug designed specifically to induce - wait for it - wait...for...it - menopause.  So Mildred's visits will continue.  Bitch.

You've read along the way that my tumor is ER+, which means it has estrogen receptors, which also means that estrogen "feeds" the tumor.  The job of the Tamoxifen is to knock out all estrogen in my body to keep the cancer from returning, or any stray original tumor cells from growing (although I'm doing my best to get rid of those "original" tumor cells with all this chemo and radiation).  If I were post-menopausal already there would be no need for (or perhaps less need, depending on what my body was producing) Tamoxifen.  No, because I'm still young (there's that crazy word again!) and pre-menopausal, I get visits from Mildred.  Again, I say - bitch.

But it occurred to me last night that chemopause doesn't cause simply hot flashes - it's also creating alot of emotional, physical and psychological side effects that any woman enduring menopause would also be experiencing.  I am moody and irritable (irrespective of the steroids - that's a whole different story), and find my temper shorter than usual.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  My memory is suddenly shot to hell, and sometimes my brain just does not focus (moreso than the usual, "Oooh, shiny object" problem I've had all my life).  I really am just slightly depressed, and hoping and praying that the upcoming spring/summer will help alleviate some of that.  And I'll just leave some of the more intimate physical side effects to your imagination.  Mildred, you truly are a bitch.

I'm certain that part of what I've been feeling lately has to do with the fact that my physical activity level has decreased considerably, but I cannot risk the germs at the gym and the weather has been less-than-cooperative.  I'm working on that, too, as much as possible, hoping it will help.  I have my first 5k race of the season coming up on May 20 - the Sunday before my final chemo - and while I'll likely crawl across the finish line, I will finish.  I'm sad that I'm missing the Survivor Lap of Jackson's Relay for Life this year because I will be working out of town, but there will always be next year (yes, there will be a next year for me). 

So, I'm working on embracing my relationship with Mildred; she's going to be around for a long time, so I might as well try to be her friend.  Because she's doing her best to make my life a living hell - might as well kill her with kindness (and beat her with a big stick when she turns her back).