Yet another follow-up appointment with the oncology office today. A good appointment, however, as we were able to get copies of the latest test results. I now have proof in my hot little hands that my tumor markers are really low, and my bone scan shows no sign of metastatic disease or arthritis. We decided to go back to the Tamoxifen, too. I hate Tami, I really do,
but I understand the necessity of hormone therapy and know I have to do
this.
A very wonderful day indeed!
Except...I found myself crying uncontrollably. Like last night at dinner - the tears just poured down my face. And I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. The sadness and exhaustion are overwhelming and undermining and I feel trapped at the bottom of a deep, dark well with no way to climb out.
I mention this to my NP who kindly points out that I look utterly exhausted. She asks if I'm still running; I explain how intense this last semester has been, which has cut into any time for running / yoga / exercise (so no, I'm not running...except in circles, it seems). We talk about everything that has happened in the last year, and she suggests that perhaps I've hit "the wall". "You had so much to keep you occupied and focused when you were in treatment," she says, "As soon as you finish treatment you start the Semester from Hell. And now you're done. You need a chance to recover."
I recognize that I'm depressed. Maybe not quite clinically depressed, or a Major Depressive Episode (hasn't been two months yet), but it's there. Our NP even indicates that some of my pain could be attributed to the physical side effects of depression. Who knows. Who cares?? I just want a nap.
It's hard to be okay with feeling sad when I'm good and healthy and better! It's difficult - nay, impossible - to give myself permission to relax and repair and recover. I should be happy, right? I should be jumping up and down with joy and smiling and running and loving and grateful to be alive!!! So why do I feel as if my soul has deflated and my spirit has flown away?
It's embarrassing to feel this way, to feel so weak and helpless, and so incredibly selfish. I just want to find my happiness again.
Life goes on after cancer, but it's infinitely more complicated and exhausting. Even in the light of positive outcomes, there can be struggle and sadness in the shadows.
Please don't be embarrassed to feel this way. So, so, so many women have hit this wall and just want to hide in bed. (Myself included). Personally, it took time. With you, I hope you can have the time to cry, to reflect. . . and eventually - as soon as you are ready, to look forward. It's a good thing that you are writing through this and talking with others. That's a very good thing.
ReplyDeleteNancy, please take all the time you need to feel the things you feel. If you want to cry, let yourself cry. You have been on a whirlwind, and no matter it wasn't fun, it's pretty much come to a halt, and you have more time to think about what's happened. I've learned we find happiness when it shows up, not when we look for it. I have to say before I read your message, the title put a worry knot in my stomach. I'm one of those ditzes who needs everything spelled out right away. :) I love you and am so relieved and happy you are free of disease.
ReplyDeleteHey Nancy, depression doesn't ask permission -- and in many cases it doesn't make sense. And in your case, you *would* have reasons for a depressive episode. But even if that isn't what it is, you have been through so much the past few years -- changes at work and taking on a lot to get this degree, changes and challenges of other kinds, too -- on top of everything you poured into fighting cancer. I'm so glad you are disease free!
ReplyDeleteI don't think the exhaustion you're experiencing means in any way that you don't appreciate the good things you've accomplished or the love and support you've received. Please be gentle with yourself and take the time and space you need to rest, and to recover physically and emotionally.
Celebrating your results and sending you much love,
EJ