Raising.......Arizona

One of the most profound movies of our time is Raising Arizona.  Not a week goes by that I don't find myself quoting the sage and philosophical words of H.I., Ed, Evelle, Gale, and the rest of the erudite crew. 

"There's what's right, and there's what's right, and never the twain shall meet."

"If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'!"

"You know, I'm okay, you're okay, that's there what it is!"

"Son, you got a panty on your head."

But lately, I've been thinking about this insightful exchange, and how it perfectly illustrates what I'm feeling right now:

Gale (played beautifully and genuinely by John Goodman), as he busts into the rural bank:

"All right ya hayseeds, it's a stick-up!  Everybody freeze!  Everybody down on the ground!"

To which the old farmer replies:

"Well, which is it young feller?  You want I should freeze, or get down on the ground?  Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop.  And if'n I drop, I'm-a gonna be in motion..."

Which is it gonna be?

I recognize that my inability to drop and be in motion has been my choice, my decision, perhaps even my desire.  Homeostasis is safe.  Venturing out into the world is scary.

I take my Tami and make my quarterly doctor visits and...for the most part I forget the last year.  Sometimes it still seems surreal.  Me - cancer?  Naw...must have been a really bad dream.  And for now it's easy to feel that way because reality creeps in only rarely (and only when I let it...or go looking for it).  Sometimes I'm almost sad to leave this all behind, and feel twinges of survivor's guilt when I look around and realize sisters have been lost along the way.  I want to move forward...but not really.

It's hard to explain because it often comes out as so much whining.  "Really, you're not over this yet?  Will you ever stop talking about it?  When do you become one of those cool cancer survivors who says, 'I'm cured!!!' and doesn't let it run her life anymore?"  You would think I'd want to run like hell from this experience and leave it behind like a bad relationship, when all I really want to do is gather it up and hold it close to me and protect it like a child.  Most days I'd rather freeze than be in motion.

Which isn't really an option, is it?  Because life moves forward whether I want it to or not.

The next few months are going to be busy and filled with lots of adventures - graduation, races, vacation, travel, family, a new job (I hope!) - so much motion!!  Spring is right around the corner (right...?) - a time of renewal and new life.  Last Spring I was in the midst of chemo and couldn't enjoy it; perhaps this year is my personal Spring, a chance for physical and spiritual renewal and an opportunity to adventure back out into the world.  Moving forward doesn't have to mean leaving behind; I think I need to get a good grasp on that concept.

Besides, even if I stand still, life will continue to go on around me.  Might as well drop and be in motion.