Chemo Brain

Let me tell you about chemo brain.

Wait...I forgot to put toilet paper on the grocery list, hang on, be right back...oops, sorry, I got distracted...crap, I forgot to print off my paper for class...I should really get ready for class, yesterday we spent the class time in the courtroom in Ann Arbor, I ran into a former colleague and friend who was there on a case, what a small world!  Then we went to lunch at Zingerman's.  I mean, I didn't go with my friend but with other students from the class.  I mean, they're friends, too, but it wasn't the friend I met in the courtroom. But anyway, it reminded me of high school, because we'd go to Kerrytown or Zingerman's for lunch every day.   That was back when Gabriel Richard was downtown, they built a new highs school a few years ago out at Domino's Farms.  I forgot to ask my friend how her new job was going...  We had Domino's pizza for a school event a couple of weeks ago, I haven't had that in years...wait, let me check my calendar, yeah, see, I forgot to write down that I have to work on June 30th, which bums me out because there's a BC women's retreat in Manchester that weekend that I wanted to attend...

This is my brain on chemo.  Any questions?

I have always been easily distracted by shiny objects (staff meetings in my former office were a jumble of off-topic conversations that often created frustration among some coworkers), but this is different.  I've heard the term "chemo brain" bandied about, and during my first treatment we became intimately acquainted.  Chemo brain changed significantly (or has simply increased in severity) with the Taxol, and continues to this day.  My brain has ceased to function on several levels.  Serious, true cognitive impairments have set in, to the point where having conversations and accomplishing simple tasks around the house become nearly impossible.  It's a hard SE to explain to others, because it doesn't make any sense, and some days are worse than others.  Now, nearing the end of my treatment, I can predict which days will be worse (Tues - Sun after treatment, I should never attempt a conversation with another human being, but the cat is okay) and which days will be better (Mon-Wed before treatment I can write a paper for school, but need to explain in advance that some of my sentences will be wildly incoherent).

The first couple of days after treatment my brain is wild and out of control because of the steroids.  Once those wear off and the *crash* occurs, I wake in a fog of half-thoughts and partial memories.  In some small way, I can only imagine this is what dementia must feel like - I know I know something but I can't remember it, and I was just thinking about it but then it literally flew out of my ear...

I have conversations with my husband that disintegrate mid-sentence.  I forget what I was saying.  Or I simply lose interest in the conversation.  It's odd.  Yesterday, a classmate was telling me an important story and I saw an old friend walk by - and so I got up and walked over to her, completely (and unintentionally) dismissing my classmate.  I am so easily distracted that I cannot help but change the topic of conversation several times in one minute.  I talk over other people.  I physically cannot hear what they're saying - it's a jumble of words that make no sense.  Recently, Ken said something to me - a complete but simple sentence - and I looked at him with a blank stare, then started to cry.  Not one word he had spoken reached my brain - I couldn't understand a word he had just said.  He repeated his thought, and then it clicked in my brain - but that has happened several times, and it's really quite frightening.

Work becomes so difficult, and I apologize profusely to my supervisors and coworkers.  Sometimes, I simply don't know what I'm doing - tasks I had been easily able to complete in the past.  Much of what I do is brain-related - you know, write a letter, make a phone call, attend a meeting, discuss a concept - and I am failing at those tasks, miserably.

I have an interview for my internship on Tuesday morning, and am terrified I won't be able to speak intelligently.

I hope and pray this resolves itself quickly after my final treatment.  If this is the way...oh my gosh, it's a beautiful day and I really don't want to be stuck in the classroom all day, I brought popcorn because we're going to be watching a movie about death row inmates sentenced as juveniles...  If this is the way it's going to be from now on, I'm in trouble.

Until then, I apologize in advance to every single person I know, love, interact with, or who has the unfortunate opportunity to meet me for the first time during this awful period of brain (in)activity.  I am not like this, and will work harder to be more involved with myself and aware of what I'm doing, but I can't promise anything...especially since I need to try and remember to get my flowers planted this afternoon before they die, I already lost my Mexican heather and, shit, gotta remember to pick up some soil on the way home, and another mint plant...ooooh, mint juleps sound nice, maybe I'll make some for later this evening...