Attitude of Gratitude

Those who know me also know I talk.  A lot.  I talk about my husband, my kids, my grandchildren, my family; I talk about school, about work, about running, about yoga.  I talk about the past, the future, and everything in between.  I have very few (or any?) boundaries and often find things flying out of my mouth without thought.  I'm constantly working on self-awareness in relation to my need for constant discourse.

Most people mistake this for attention-seeking.  In reality, I don't like to be the center of attention; I just like to share.  Talking is a way for me to connect with others, but it's also a mask for feeling socially inept and inadequate.  If I can talk about mundane or outrageous things, I can take the focus off my inability to feel comfortable in a crowd of people (note that a "crowd" constitutes me and at least one other person).  Truly, I often struggle with what to say to people, fearing their reaction, worrying about saying the "wrong" thing. 

Of late, my dislike of being the center of attention has been greatly challenged.  Indeed, everyone around me wants to be helpful, to give, to share, to support...and to talk.  Friends bring dinner, snacks, treats, hats; they send cards and emails and notes and call; they stop by, they visit, they stay for a while.  They take turns sharing a basket of useful items and dinner components and warm fleecy gifts.  They want to know how I'm doing; they want to know what they can do to help.  They are genuine and kind and compassionate, and I am so grateful to be supported and uplifted by so much love.

But all this kindness and attention challenges my social abilities, and sometimes it's just kinda hard to accept.  I am not that special; I am just me.  I think about all the other men, women and children out there struggling with their own illness, with another illness, or just trying to get through another day, and I feel like they are so much more deserving.  Saying "thank you" isn't hard to do because I am truly thankful for everything and everyone, but I worry that I sound like a broken record, that people won't believe me, that I sound disingenuous.  I cry so often, overwhelmed by the kindness of others.  And I don't know how to say "thank you" enough to repay their kindness and generosity.

I have always had an attitude of gratitude, but it has risen to a whole new level.  I am grateful for more than simply being alive and healthy; I am now grateful for the chance and ability to fight.  The support of those around me gives me wings to fly through this moment in my life.  For someone who likes to talk so much, I often don't have the words to express my gratitude; it's so much bigger than a simple "thank you" can express.  Being loved gives me power and strength, but also humbles me immensely. 

Maybe, someday, I'll find the words to express my gratitude.