Over it

I'm really over this whole cancer thing.  Like, it was okay at the beginning when I got lots of attention and had an excuse to be lazy, but now, I'm pretty much over the whole Oh-I-Have-Cancer shit.

(edit:  I hope everyone sees the sarcasm in these comments.  Sometimes, I sound so serious, but I rarely am).

For several days I fended off the upper respiratory viral infection that was going around.  Never got the full-blown flu-thing, but felt awful and really couldn't function, nonetheless. Day 10 came with some foggy clearing; I actually made it to my morning class before I simply couldn't continue on.  Drove home to find the Peanut visiting, so we took a nap (okay, I slept, she watched Sponge Bob), we read, we lounged, and most importantly, she decorated the cake for great-grandma's birthday celebration on Sunday.

Sunday - the day everyone in the family was going to get together to celebrate (albeit a couple of weeks early) my mother and my husband's birthdays.  Amy is still in town from Alaska; Mary was bringing her boyfriend to be re-introduced to the entire family.  Mom's sister was even driving in for the event, something she doesn't do often.  My lovely children were going to be there - I can never spend enough time with them lately, it seems.  We were all going to be together and it was going to totally rock.

Except I woke up Sunday with a stomach virus that knocked me on my ass.  Normally I'd carry on, but I can't; dehydration is my sworn enemy, especially four days before my next AC treatment.  I have to be well-hydrated or I'm just going to be in serious trouble.  I can't remember feeling so much stomach pain before that it made me wonder if "something" was going on.  Every sip of water made the pain worse; I knew if it continued I'd be visiting the hospital, so I sat on the sofa and cried like a baby and told my husband I wasn't going to the party.

I cried when I called my mother to tell her; I cried when I called my sister.  I threw a mini temper-tantrum in the privacy of my bedroom because I'm sick of this shit.  And everyone is so kind and generous; everyone understands, it's not like I want to be sick or I'm just trying to get out of having a really good time with people I love and miss.

So I went to bed when everyone left for the party, and fell asleep instantly.  I awoke briefly when they all called to tell me they missed me; I feel asleep crying again because I wasn't there helping them celebrate such a special occasion.  I slept until Ken returned much later, sharing stories of Princess Peanut in her full princess regalia (wedding veil and Aunt Lindsay's pearls included) and other celebratory shenanigans.  I ate some jello, which didn't hurt much, and back to bed early to hopefully sleep the bug away.

This morning I awoke to feel rested and pain-free; coffee and water didn't hurt, nor did the applesauce and jello later.  So now I'm chugging water in preparation for this week's final AC treatment - an accomplishment I will celebrate in style.  No more AC means far fewer side effects, particularly the exhaustion.  Taxol - my next 6 treatments - will have their own SEs (including short- or potentially long-term neuropathy).

Hopefully, this will also mean the end to missing important occasions - but I doubt it.  So many BC sisters have told me that chemo is "doable" and that they worked full time and raised children and made love to their partners twice a day and walked up hill to work five miles each way, in waist-deep snow, singing "Whistle While You Work" along with the bluebirds...  I feel guilty that I can't keep up the pace with just a part-time job and part-time school and no kids at home to worry about.  What's wrong with me?

Today is a good day, so I will accomplish what I can do.  Tomorrow - who knows?  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the day brings.