I get tired that everything seems to - does - revolve around cancer. What I do, what I can't do, what I don't do because I'm too tired, what I feel, what I say, what I think, what I plan, why should I make plans when I don't know...? "One day at a time" is both limiting and liberating, keeping me from doing too much, but also keeping me from doing too much.
I am not my cancer.
But I live every moment in a bubble of awareness of this thing. Every little ache and pain must mean something, must be related. My days are mapped out based on self-care, which requires self-awareness - which requires more damned energy than I have most days. I want to be normal and so I live that way, but this is not normal and so I fail miserably, then fault myself for doing so. So. So tired and frustrated and angry.
The anger is not often there, at the surface; indeed, I am outwardly happy and blessed and truly positive. But as days pass I find myself more angry than I expected, more angry than I want to be. I don't have time for this shit, I don't want to deal with this, I am just. so. tired.
Yesterday I wore my new scarf to school for the first time. I bumped into a nursing student I hadn't seen since before the holidays. She smiled, not recognizing me at first, then - then she knew. And she Knew. And she didn't say anything, but there was this look in her eyes of, what? I thought I saw pity. Questions. Maybe a little fear. Usually we had nice long conversations, but not yesterday. She just couldn't. I couldn't. I realized later that I probably projected my own shit on to her intentions, but maybe not. A friend asked me what I would do when people didn't ask questions but had That Look. I thought I'd dig a witticism from the depths of my collection and throw it at them - but I can't, it's not fair.
Life is just so not fair.
Life is rarely fair- nor is typically what we WANT it to be. But I have a feeling you will get your life back. The way you need it to be. The cancer is NOT you, in the same way YOU are NOT cancer. You are simply walking the path together right now. You, telling it, to take a hike. You can do this...even when others don't know what to say, you can do this. It's shitty, it's just plain SHITTY. It's not fair, it's not nice...it is what it is. You are- as always- in my thoughts and prayers.
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